Big Sister

Dearest Luthien,

So much to say and yet I'm not sure how to say it all or where to start. And of course, as usual- and even more so now- there is not a lot of time. Your little brother Bastian Beau arrived this past Friday morning. In the short time since that day your mama has watched you mature from her sweet baby girl to a very big girl (still sweet of course) in ways that are hard to put into words. Seeing your face as you walked into our hospital room and as you first held your little brother is a feeling no mother can describe, and it brings me to tears just thinking about it. I could tell you understood that the baby who was once in mommy's tummy was now a tangible being, and watching that comprehension take place in your 22 month-old brain was, and still is amazing to me. I think you were worried about me, and yet taking in the wonder that was/is your brother all at the same time. We continued to reassure you that mommy was okay, and then you held your brother and pointed out all of his features, starting from his head and moving all the way down to his toes. There were plenty of kisses to be had, and lots of gentle pats on his head. We never once had to tell you to be gentle, you just knew. When you came to visit, we hadn't picked out a name for your little brother yet. Dad was set on a different name, but Mama knew in her heart once she met him it wasn't quite right. Daddy took you out in the waiting area and asked you what we should name him, giving you the two choices. You immediately said "Bastian" (sounding sort of like "Bastee"), and Dad's heart melted. In that moment he knew his two girls had chosen the name of his son.

Bastian and I were able to come home from the hospital the very next day, and these days following were/are trying ones. Daddy had to go to the hospital again so you were being passed from house to house (between Aunt Stefa and Nana), coming over only to visit Bastian and I for brief periods. These visits involved Mom not being able to lift you, which you are very used to, and Mom pretty much holding the baby much of the time you were around. By day 3 of this you started not acting yourself. Not to mention, on top of all of this you had gotten sick. My poor girl. How desperately I wanted for Dad to be home and for us to enjoy our new little family. You still were good, but something wasn't quite right. Well, Dad is now home and although he is still not feeling well, we're getting there. You want to hold Bastian all the time, which is very sweet, but sometimes I have to tell you no, like here:

And just one more picture for now, because I'm nursing Bastian and only have one hand to type. And by the way I apologize for how often you have to hear me say that, and just as I thought you do get a bit jealous of the whole thing even though we discovered you no longer like the taste of my breastmilk (you exclaimed "yuck" after tasting it again).

This picture is of you at around 3 a.m. when Dad took you to Aunt Stefa's while Mom was in labor. So much for keeping you asleep and transferring you to the carseat :) Saying goodbye to you in between intense contractions was another one of the most emotional moments of my life, which was unexpected. I guess I knew what was to come and your innocence and tenderness towards me in those moments were so special.

I love you my first baby girl,

Mama